


Noir

by Angelique_Brouchard



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I listened to sad music while writing this, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Pining, Reincarnation, Self-Doubt, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28062060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelique_Brouchard/pseuds/Angelique_Brouchard
Summary: After what Levi had done, he could never forgive himself.The man he loved no longer was apart of his life, and Levi was left to live alone. With only his contempt afflictions to tear him until he was nothing but a man in a wooden box.After having committed suicide, Levi is reincarnated to the modern world. With only one purpose in life, he seeks to regain Erens trust and to be forgiven. But how could he confront him, when Eren is completely oblivious to his past?
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Kudos: 8





	1. Noir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small context to what happened in Levis past life, so more like a prologue.

If I ever had an opportunity to go back in time, I wouldn't take that gamble because I grasp that what I did is nevermore reversible. I had done the inexcusable. I accept full liability for the foolish decisions I made. But some days, I just yearn to see his brilliant green eyes and rust-colored hair. I can eternally feel the pang of a thousand stones beat my heart every night. All these nights, I reminisce about his smooth tan skin in the luminescence of the moon as he lazed in the bed next to me before we would fall dreaming with our legs intertwined. 

Now I'm held in a world without light. All I view is black and white. I exist in a noir novel, a life with corruption and misery. I had converted to a life saturated with nothing but a crime. All that I have left is a representation of this man that I so dearly cherished. All had changed when a devil of the night drew me into her home of desire, and I gave no heed to this impact later cast toward me. 

The feeling of utter blame and grief my heart seized when the day he found out my scandal forever stigmatized within my head. His eyes no longer shined like the green forests of a summer day.

He left me that day.

I blame every little thing about me. I couldn't face the fact of my beloved leaving in such a painful way. None of this was his fault. This was my fault. My parsimonious oneself could not clasp the elegant man that clung onto my heart.

I accuse myself of the disconsolate tears that spilled from his rich crestfallen optics. I now have no motive to drive from my vile remains. I have no desire to eat or sleep. I am nothing but a cadaver eternally neglected. My friends, and Eren, no longer subsist in this dismal realm of mine. I am obliged to live isolated with nothing but my contempt judgments reviling my actuality with every opening it gets.

I can't help but taste the dismal nights this miserable world gives me, bringing me woeful recollections of his eminent simper and pure laughter.  
I am nothing but an excuse of air that longs to live anew with a desire. I can not solely think empty but forgotten. 

I resent this position. I crave to escape and obtain things reasonably.  
I want to face my neglected affection for this man. I require him back with each marrow of my being.

I am such a fool...


	2. Oh Dearest Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get Erens side of the story

Oh, dearest diary, 

It was all so sudden. It was just so out of character for the man that I loved to end his own life. What had gone through his mind in the last moments? What had provoked that to occur? 

Deep down, I knew he loved me no matter what, but I had taken that for granted. What had happened? I was too clouded by the anguish and rage from his unfaithfulness. If only I had given him a chance to explain. Maybe things would have changed, even in the slightest. He wouldn't be in a wooden box, six feet underground. Never to be seen or heard from for the rest of our lives. His comrades, his friends, and me. 

It is all too painful to relive the moments of reality kicking in as I found his body sway inches from the wooden floor, his expression blank. I remember the vivid image of dried tears on his stone-cold face, his steel-grey eyes bearing the emotion of sheer grief. I knew I shouldn't blame myself for his death, but what else could I have done when his limp body rested in my feeble arms? Sobs of that night were heard by many that had awoken from their slumber. Only for them to find their Captain and friend lying still in my arms. It had taken my sister Mikasa and my childhood friend Armin to pry me away from his body as my friend cloaked his frame with a thin white sheet. 

News of his passing spread like wildfire after that night. Commander Erwin was distraught. Not only had he lost a great asset to humanity but also a great friend. As well had Squad leader Hanji. She took the news to great lengths. Hanji had made sure to give him a respectful parting.

It was all too fast for my mind to comprehend. I didn't attend the funeral until the end. I only got a glimpse of Levi's ghostly expression before they had nailed shut the casket. He looked so at peace that it broke me down to know that he was someplace better. He had taken a simple way out. It was almost shameful to humanity. 

How could he? I found it selfish of him to end it all. He died in vain. While the rest of us were left behind to live out the nightmare of our world, he was somewhere in heaven. I hope he realizes his mistake. If reincarnation was real, I hope to find him in the next life and curse him for his senseless solution to his problems. 

I hate him, but I also love him to the point of no return. I don't know what to do in this situation. Is he at peace? Or is he suffering in hell? Maybe he has already been reborn into a family. It no longer matters. He is gone from my life forever. 

I find no motivation to be disdained towards him for the time remaining here on earth. I understand it won't do much good. So here I write my thoughts and emotions down on this paper. 

So here I ask. Levi, why did you do it? Could you not bear the guilt of losing me? What could you have done differently? Are you happy now?

If only he could answer my questions. If only the dead could talk.  
I know he can't hear me now, but it is the thought that counts. 

I hope he is happy. But I also envy him, for he no longer has the great responsibility on his shoulders. One thing is evident. He will forever be a cherished part of my life. I will never forget that small smile he never reveals to others but for only me. Or those nights of pure love under the moonlight. I will miss him. That will never change. 

Farewell Levi, I love you. 

~Eren


	3. Chapter 1

Upon the first look of this new world, the words that came to Levi's mind were, "What the fuck.'' Levi's little child's mind could only handle so much of this new and unfamiliar world. From the first days of his existence, he only recalled his past. It was almost like an obsession of his. Endless nights of overthinking left him tired, he became arrogant towards others, leaving him no choice but to be left alone. For the six years of his elementary experience, he was the loner type of child. He didn't bother how others thought of him. All he cared about was the possible chance of meeting that one boy. 

But as he neared the end of the school year, his hope diminished. Summer vacation was just around the corner, and all he hoped for was a quiet holiday. He knew that after his summer break, he would be older and in a different school. The small change gave him a tiny sliver of faith. Faith that by any chance that one boy would pop up into his life. 

Levi's head rested on the hard desk, his eyes drooping from the lack of rest the night before. His mood seemed to be even worse the last few days after the nightmares have come in. It was always the ridiculous thoughts that led to resentment, and that anger affected his dreams. Greatly. 

Just as his tired mind was about to shut off for the fourth time that day, the shrill bell rang, signifying that the longspun school day had ended. Out of relief, he slowly rose his head, yawning immensely. Standing up quickly, eager to leave the classroom, he strode past his classmates, not caring about his ungracious pushes to get past. 

" Hey!" One kid proclaiming as Levi shoved past him, Levi ignored his classmate and continued on his way. "What's his problem?" Another random classmate whispered. Levi once again overlooked this and hurriedly walked into the crowded hallways. 

" Tch," He said quietly to himself. 

There was only one week left of school until his summer break would begin. But as exciting as that would be for any other 6th grader, Levi couldn't bring himself to be too excited. For him, that just meant more time alone and longer nights of endless regret and shame. Sure he was young physically but, mentally, he was just the same person from back then, a life where he only knew war and survival. From the outside, he looked to be a young boy with an attitude, but inside he was a wounded soldier. 

A short walk to his locker and, he was out of here. But of course, there was always that one person who didn't get his way of living. That one person was none other than Hanji his so-called, "friend." They liked to think that they were his friend, but in reality, they were just as lonely as he was. So they stuck with him like glue. As much as he would like to protest against Hanjis advanced on him, he let the slow friendship grow. He never wanted to admit it, but he was lonely too, wishing to be forgiven for all these years by a boy that probably didn't exist, left him not caring if just one person chose to stay. 

" Hey! Levi, wait for me!" Hanji's loud voice said, booming across the great wave of students. Levi rolled his eyes as he paused for the absurd human to approach him. 

" What do you want four eyes," He grumbled as Hanji finally reached him. 

" Wanna walk home together?" They said their voice a little too enthusiastic. " What do you think?" He said his current mood still present. " So it's a yes, come on, let's go!" Hanji gave him no time to protest as they hauled him away from his locker and out the school doors. Outside was bright as ever, causing Levi to squint away from the sun. The heat of the day at its peak. He just wished to be home in his darkroom, but Hanji had other plans. Levi didn't know it yet, but Hanji knew what he planned to do once he got home. So they devised a plan to get him to stray away from his daily sulking. 

Instead of them heading to their usual route back home, Hanji strode in the opposite direction. " Hanji, where are we going?" Levi asked, immediately suspicious. " You'll just have to wait, Levi," They responded quickly. 

" It better not be one of those absurd experiments of yours," Levi grunted as he drew his wrist back from Hanjis's grip. " It may or may not be an experiment," Hanji snorted as they quickened their pace, which that only left Levi apprehensive. Whatever this human had up their sleeve, it either meant utter doom to civilization or nothing far from it. 

A few blocks down the same road, Levi began to wonder. He knew this street like the back of his hand, but he still felt anxious. His palms started to sweat in tight fists, his head becoming lightheaded. There was no reason for him to be worried but, the little voice in the back of his head continued to assert small concerns. "Hanji, how far are we from truly arriving at this place of yours?" Levi complained, his apprehension becoming more intense. 

"Oh! Just a few more blocks, no need to worry so much!" Hanji said in their normal cheery tone. Levi, too lazy to respond, continued to shuffle behind Hanji. The air around them going back to the awkward silence. Levi usually didn't mind the stillness but, today, he couldn't handle it. He wished for anything to disrupt the silence. 

Walking past a pale blue house, Levi noticed something. At first, it just a mere name on a mailbox, but Levi recognized it. On the brand new painted mailbox, a last name claimed it. The name Jeager. Memories flashed against Levi's mind like a movie, his heart lurching as adrenaline coursed through him with no warning. His breath hitched, his knees beginning to weaken from underneath him. 

He could feel the panic rise in his stomach. 

Levi finally found his composure and immediately ran past Hanji, past that boy's house, past his fear of seeing him. His head raced with an impossible amount of thoughts all at once. Why was he running away? Why was he so scared? He finally knew that this boy existed, but why was he too afraid to confront him? All those questions ran through his thoughts like a bullet. Levi could come up with one reason. He just wasn't ready.


	4. Chapter 2

Hanji had no trouble catching up with a heaving Levi. His skin sheen with sweat. His hand heavily rested on his knee, bent over, his other hand keeping balance on a lampost. He continued to pant as Hanji approached him. "Levi?" They whispered, worry embedded in their voice. 

"What are you doing here?" Levi said, slowly raising his head. A harsh snarl resting on his face, his eyes burned from incoming tears. 

"Why did you bring me here!?" He yelled. 

Hanji didn't respond. Tongue-tied. "What do you mean?" They asked, confused by Levi's sudden outburst. "Nevermind, forget it," He said, straightening his poster. "Do you want to talk about it?" Hanji asked.   
They noticed the shine in his eyes, tears beginning to pool. 

"How about we go somewhere else, okay?¨ They said, gently padding Levi's shoulder in condolence. Levi wasn't the type to vocalize his thoughts and feelings, and he was reluctant. He shook his head, his eyes averting Hanji. "It's okay if you don't want to, sorry I asked," Hanji blurting out, noticing Levis hesitance. He sighed relief, washing through him. He wasn't ready to tell them everything yet. 

"Can we go? I don't want to be here anymore," Levi whispered, his voice revealing his urge to cry and scream, but he held it in as much as his little body could. He hated it here. Was this his punishment? 

Hanji nodded, their hand sliding away from where it was on Levi's shoulder. "Are you hungry?" Hanji asked as they began to walk away from the curb, where they found Levi. Levi non-verbally agreed, his stomach speaking for him. ¨My parents just recently paid my allowance," Hanji said as they crossed the street, " You hungry for some fast food?" They asked, Levi, scoffing at the suggestion. 

"You kidding me?" He said, "That's what you could come up with?" He could almost hurl at the thought. He was never a fan of fast food. Plain bread and soup were what he ate back then, and he planned to stick to that. "Well, then tell me what you want," Hanji said, their cheery attitude starting to come back. "Someting other than that," Levi mumbled, too tired to do anything. 

"We can do that. Do you want to stay at my place until you have to go home?" Hanji proposed. Levi only nodded. Speaking now, a thing of the past, he just wanted to sit down and relax from all the mental stress from earlier. Hanji ceased to utter a word as they realized Levi's mood. They continued to walk back home, this time taking a different route to avoid that certain boy's house. 

It didn't take long until they reached a brick house with a lush green lawn. A fence enclosed the area of the yard, two little dogs roaming around, minding their own business. Hanji opened the fence gate and walked through, Levi following close by. Shutting the gate behind him, he approached the door. 

Both walked into the house, a heavy scent of food filling both their nostrils. Their stomachs began to growl, both very hungry. They strolled through a narrow hallway until they reached two door frames on each side. One being the kitchen, the other being the living area. Levi chose the living room, his legs taking him to the couch. His sore muscles relaxed into the cushions. 

The smell of food began to emanate into the living room, causing Levi's stomach to once again complain in hunger. He scowled, the emptiness of his belly bothering him. 

" Which drink do you want?" Hanji said as they walked around the couch, drinks in hand. A can of rootbeer and sprite occupied her hands, cool droplets of water dripping from the can, fresh out of the cooler. 

Levi chose the sprite, no questions asked, and popped open the can. Cool, carbonated soda spilled into his mouth, a dull sting filled his throat, causing his face to contort. " Wow, slow down there short stack," Hanji said, snickering to themselves. He didn't bother to react to the ridiculous nickname they had given him but instead chugged the whole drink, letting it distract him from his turbulent feelings. 

Hanji settled next to Levi onto the couch and opened their can of soda. Taking a loud sip, they reached for the remote on the coffee table ahead of them. The T.V snapped to life a second later, a loud action movie playing through but stopped as Hanji changed the channel. 

Levi tuned out the constant channel changing, his mind going back to that incident. His mind ran between the disbelief of the boy living here of all places and the constant fear of him remembering their past lives. His anxiety began to rise. What if he remembered everything and despised him? Levi couldn't shake the face Eren made that night, so many centuries ago at that. He memorized it as it had just happened. He could feel the same amount of panic he felt that moment, that fleeting instant of dread. 

" Levi!" Hanji yelled, their voice bringing him back to reality. " Levi? You okay?" Hanji had turned the television off, their attention on him. Without realizing it, he had been hyperventilating. He shunned himself for the vulnerability he underwent when he imagined Eren. " Do you need your inhaler? I can go get," Hanji spoke out in panic. They began to move from their spot on the couch but, Levi stopped them. His breathing became slightly labored without him noticing. 

" I-I'm fine, i'm gonna head home now," Levi said as he stood from the cushions. His breathing became more toiled as he forced himself to walk to the front door. " Can I at least walk you home?" Hanji protested, their voice whining with distress. 

" Im fine, Hanji," 

" No you're not Levi," 

" I can tell by those eyes, Levi, please talk to me," Hanji pleaded. 

No matter how many times Levi convinced himself that he was the only one with the knowledge of the past, Hanji had always seemed to know things or feel things they shouldn't have. That had given Levi false hope that maybe he wasn't the only one going through his prior trauma, but when he asked them about it, they would only shrug it off as an absurd question. Of course, this led Levi to be hesitant in opening up with Hanji. 

" I-," He froze, his mind buzzed with many explanations, but his lips stayed vacant. At a loss for words, was what he was. 

" I just need some air," He finally mustered out, his hands unknowingly clenched in fists. Hanji stood silent for a second before nodding, their posture holding slight disappointment. 

" Let me at least walk you out," They muttered quietly, " i'll go get an inhaler just in case," They added as they shuffled out of the living room into a darkened hallways. Levi stood there apprehensive, his nerves still on edge. Looking at the bright carpet, he frowned, irritated at himself for the thousandth time that day. 

He just wanted to cry and scream, his emotions about to burst. He stood there, his body tense, yearning for a release of tension. Hanji appeared around the corner, their messy hair bobbing as they walked. 

" Here you go," They said as they handed Levi the small box, an inhaler inside. Levi thanked them with a scanty nod and shifted his feet towards the entrance of the room. 

" Thanks Hanji," He muttered before turning the corner into the foyer of the house. Hanji followed him to the front door and handed him his book bag, even attempting to give him a small hug despite his objections. 

Eventually, after Levi had given Hanji a brief lecture, he exited out of the house into the cooling evening. The sun had begun to flee behind the tall mountains in the distance, crickets sang their nightly song. Summer was coming to a start, which meant some kind of freedom to Levi. To some degree, his thoughts and feelings were always gonna be there no matter what. 

He just wished for these redundant feelings to come to an end. He wanted a simple life with no worries. But for that to happen, he had to face these emotions head-on. He had no idea when, but he hoped that he prepared by then. 

Stepping onto the cracked concrete, he began his short trek back home. His head heavily hung low as he strode quickly down the block, passing neighbor's houses and their green lawns. 

Approaching his residence, he noticed the drastic difference between the many houses around him. The sun-baked yard and shattered pathway to the porch were the first things that people noticed. He wasn't ashamed of the ramshackle house though, he was, on the contrary, grateful for the roof above his head. He was even appreciative of his tough-loving uncle Kenny. 

Even if his uncle wasn't the most desired parental figure, he still didn't complain much. There were, of course, moments where he wished for his mother instead of a man that didn't understand him or his constant emotions of detachment. 

Straying away from the thought of his mother, he stepped up to his porch. Fumbling with his pockets, he found a small string that was attached to his house key. Drawing it out, he unlocked his front door and entered his dim foyer. The only lights in the house being the old lamps in the small living room. A steep staircase at the front of the house led to the two-bedroom second floor. Aside from the stairs to Levis right, a wide entrance led to the living courters. Where a heavily used couch sat at the center, two side tables on each side holding both lamps that enlightened the ugly wallpaper.

A loud snore gave away the tall man that rested on the couch. The usual hat he wore every day rested on his slow rising chest. A full ashtray sat on a coffee table on his right, a half-smoked cigarette still in his mouth. Paying his uncle no mind, he climbed his way up the stairs into a narrow hallway. 

His bedroom located at the end of the hallway to its right was the small bathroom that his uncle and Levi had to share. Then on the left was his uncle's bedroom, clearly unused on most nights. Cautiously walking through the hallway, Levi avoided the wooden planks he knew would make noise until he reached his aged old door. Taking ahold of his doorknob, he opened the worn wood.

Stepping into his room, he dropped his book bag, not fretting to turn the light on either. It had grown dark since he had left Hanji's place, and the only thing he coveted was to sleep. Well, try to. He instantly went to his bed, his weary body relaxing onto clean sheets.

His mind converting into a dreary world where he frequently visited, a memory he would rather forget.


	5. Chapter 3

Sun-kissed fingertips traveled across a pale white arm, their final destination reaching thin pale lips. Steel-gray eyes gazed lazily in aquamarine irises. A crown of messy brown hair spilled across a white pillow disorderly. Bright eyes bore back. Round pink lips settled in a slight grin. 

Levi's heart fluttered as the same fingers traveled across his chest, a warm hand resting on his beating heart. No words left their lips. The limited-time they had together was to be silent, with only their bodies speaking for them. Even though they knew their love was unacceptable in the military, they took the risk. That didn't hinder Levi's feelings, nor did it for Eren. They enjoyed the makeshift times of peace from a world of conflict and survival. 

It was whatever they had in those moments that kept them sane. 

<><><>

A substantial endeavor persisted in Levi's chest as his foggy mind began to sober up from slumber. An aching feeling of loss settled back once again in his heart as his eyes fluttered open. Bright sunlight flowed through his window above his mattress. Scarce particles of dust whirled in the golden light. Levi's eyes adjusted on the empty scene of his bed. There was no mop of brown hair in his view or tan arms wrapped around him. 

For the first time, he had a decent night of sleep, but that came with a grim reminder, a reminder of why he was here in the first place. His mind had never been this cruel. For the first time, he felt content, but only to be crushed by reality. He smashed his face into his pillow, a headache already starting to emerge. Sighing, Levi pushed himself up from his pillow and sat up. He took a moment for his mind to clear before he glanced at his alarm clock. 

8:34 A.M Saturday, May 20. The weekend before the last week of school. Levi huffed as he thought up things he had to do that day. Finally, deeming it time to get up, Levi wriggled out of bed and quickly got ready for the day. Trodding down the narrow stairs, he made his way into the small kitchen, where his uncle had already sat himself down with a cup of coffee. 

His uncle glanced up at his nephew, acknowledging him with a small nod, and continued to read his newspaper, paying Levi no mind. 

"Don't you have work today?" Levi said as he made his way to the fridge. 

"Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go shopping for me today," Kenny said as he set his newspaper onto the table. 

Levi looked inside the fridge, agreeing with his uncle as he discerned the limited food items. He reached for the milk and checked the expiration date, way past due. Cringing, he set the carton aside and shut the fridge. 

"Give me some cash, and I'll head over to the store right now," Levi said as he made his way to his uncle. Kenny stood from his chair and dug inside his pocket for his wallet. Shoving a wad of cash in Levi's hand, he made his way to the front door. "I'll be home later than usual. Make sure the house is clean," Kenny said before leaving for work. 

Levi didn't waste much time as he quickly put on his shoes and made his way out the door. Walking along his cracked pathway to the streets, he checked his pockets for a small device. It wasn't much of anything, just an old flip phone, far from those high tech touch screen gadgets. He found that he much preferred something that didn't distract him from daily life. It was simple to use, so he didn't protest. Punching in his passcode, he navigated to his notes. Typing down things he needed to buy before bringing his attention back to his route to the supermarket. 

Short minutes passed in the sweltering heat as Levi approached the baren parking lot of the grocery store. The automatic doors slid open as Levi neared them. His hot and sweaty body met cooled air, relieving him of the summer day. Making his errands quick, he took little time in each aisle searching for items and dropping them into his cart. His main objective was to be done hastily and get his chores done for the day. 

The weekends for Levi usually meant time to himself, which he enjoyed for the most part. He spent those days either cleaning or reading and maybe some painting here and there. He had picked up the hobby back in 3rd grade when he saw a vibrant green carnation in the school's garden. It was that specific color of green that sparked his imagination. From that day, the color green had been his favorite. 

Finally, dropping the last item into his shopping cart, he made his way to the checking area. Waiting in line, he picked up a trivial magazine to read to pass the time. In the corner of his eye, a familiar little girl came into view. 

She had short black hair and grey eyes that could stare right through you. She held tightly onto a worn red scarf around her neck, even during summer. Beside her stood a woman with honey-tanned skin and a brown side pony-tail. 

Subconsciously Levi hid behind the magazine he held. His attempt was futile as they had opted to wait right behind him. His chest spiked with anxiety as he frantically searched for a certain boy. 

"Mikasa, will you go tell Eren to stop looking at the toys," The woman behind Levi said, nudging the little girl's shoulder. Levi peeked behind him as he saw the little girl nod and leave her spot beside the woman. 

"Next," The cashier yelled out, catching Levi's attention immediately. Stepping up to the conveyer belt, he hurriedly loaded his groceries onto the moving belt. His hands had begun to shake as he picked up a few canned foods. 

But his fingers slipped as he picked up a can of pears, which resulted in a crushed toe and a loud yelp from his mouth. Hissing from the pain, Levi clenched his teeth, his hands gripping his foot. 

"Oh dear," The woman from behind him said. She left her spot in the waiting line and kneeled beside Levi. Picking up the culprit for Levi's pained toe, she looked at the young boy. "Are you alright?" 

" Y-yeah, thank.." Levi paused, his focus shot from the woman. A curious face appeared over the woman's shoulder, and brown hair carelessly rested on young boy's forehead.

Levi's heart fluttered the second his eyes rested on Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this far, I hope I ended this chapter on a good cliffhanger. I swear this story will get more interesting if it hasn't already been for you guys. Thank you so much! Follow me on Twitter for update information or just to contact me if need be. 
> 
> @Annikki1131


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